To: The One Who’s Forcing the GOPP’s Implosion

I was inspired to read about lemmings this morning by the fantastically moronic stuff being reported about certain members of the GOPP (Grand Old Pathetic Party) and their fanatical devotion to you. Before musing about what political calculations may be driving their apparent idiocy, I want to give you a bit of a report on the lemming angle as the little beasties are actually, bizarrely instructive.

So you surely know the trope about lemmings and their predilection for suicidal self-destruction – the proverbial mass rush over the edge of a steep cliff – and the idea that they’ll follow a “lead lemming” to their deaths.

Well, it turns out that lemmings, and in particular Norway lemmings and brown lemmings, reproduce so fast that they basically overwhelm their environments and subsequently follow a dramatic boom/bust cycle – wait for it – every four years. Hah! So these critters get it on so often and have so many offspring that their natural predators can’t keep up and they themselves end up depleting their own food sources so thoroughly that they’ll voluntarily (and stupidly) set out to swim across large bodies of water, including oceans, that they can’t possibly cross and so they end up drowning. Thus, they come damn near close to extinction only to surge again over the course of – four years. They also depart from their rodent cousins in appearance and manner in that they have flashy, colorful coats (relatively speaking), do not hibernate, and are hell-a aggressive.

So it’s not that they are following some masochistic Lemming Leader to their deaths, they collectively do it to themselves by never resting, fighting each other all the time, and not knowing when to call it quits on the baby-making. They’re certainly a charming bunch, aren’t they? I wonder how the hell they’ve survived as a species. They certainly don’t seem to have much going for them.

Do you see the similarities between these lemmings and your despicable GOPP sycophants? I know there’s no parallel to you specifically in that there don’t appear to be Lemming Leaders, but that bunch isn’t really following you, they’re chasing the money and the voters. It’s just looks like they’re loving you up because right now, the voters who adore you (gag me), really, really adore you (gag me again) and so the GOPP lemmings can’t move too far out of your shadow because they know if they do, they’ll get picked off by more extreme primary challengers. Plus, to compound those primary challenger threats, many of their districts are so perversely gerrymandered that there’s no way they can win enough moderate-ish Republican votes to stay in power – if they don’t tow the line and scrape and bow to you, that is.

So they do.

I kind of can’t wait, though, until January 6^th when we get to see if Mr. Potato Head from Alabama (Senator-elect Tuberville) does the dirty with Mo and challenges the electors so that everybody has to vote for you or against you. I know it’s not nice to call the new guy Mr. Potato Head, but the tuber deal is such low hanging fruit and he really sounds like he’s not very smart, so it was irresistible.

I also know that a lot of people are wringing their hands over the idea that elected officials of the legislative branch would get to the point of challenging the electors over a completely unbelievable and bogus voter fraud fiction, but you know what – it’s a little late to worry about it – that milk has already spilled and soured. So I think it’s an excellent idea that your fan boys and girls have to vote for all the world to see as to whether they’ll go along with the treasonous fiction that you’re the “real” winner of the election or stand up and vote against your ass.

May no one who calls the GOPP their political home be safe.
May the rest of us be willing to show them the door.
May we hope to goodness that our democracy can take these body blows.
May we accept that no matter what, it’s going to be ugly.

Sincerely,
Tracy Simpson