Dear President Trump,

They’re small victories, but I’m going to claim them nonetheless – first, I was off my computer for about eight hours this afternoon and second, I managed to make a gluten free pizza crust that is actually really good (I did read the recipe on the computer so I was sort of on it). Homemade pizza was one of our standbys for years and I thought it was going to have to be just a fond memory of the past when I had to give up gluten, but the second crust recipe I tried is a keeper. The first one wasn’t terrible, but if it were the only one available, I’d likely not be reintroducing pizza to the dinner repertoire. Like I said, these are small victories, but given how nutso things are, what with you threatening civil war and the whistleblower requesting federal protection because of your menacing language, we all need victories of any size to help us cope.

I have a rhetorical question concerning victory that isn’t really for you, but if you want to ponder it, you may do so. The question is whether if a woman were to win the Democratic nomination for president, could she choose another woman as her running mate and have a real chance of winning? Ok, so this isn’t actually a rhetorical question – I think it really could happen and I really do wonder if two women could possibly win the White House. It’s something I’ve pondered before as a completely out-there fantasy, but with Elizabeth Warren surging and looking incredibly presidential and Stacey Abrams staying incredibly relevant and consequential, I could see the two of them pulling it off and being a terrific team.

Obviously it would be amazing for Warren to win the nomination in and of itself given that thus far only one woman has won a major party nomination in the 58 times our country has held presidential elections (and you know who she is since you’ve made her your mortal enemy for grins). This means that of the 116 times someone has run for president as the leader of their party, only .86% of the time has it been a woman. So if Warren gets the nomination we will inch up to women being their party’s nominee 1.7% of the time. Shit. If Warren were to actually win, whoever her running mate might be, she would obviously be making history in a huge way, but women would still be only 2.2% of US presidents (if you count her as #46 rather than going with the number of elections).

This is insane. We are so flipping backwards.

And given our insane reality, it’s sadly pretty much unthinkable that a woman who wins her party’s nomination could be successful with another woman as her running mate. Except maybe this time. You are such a blight on our democracy and on the planet that if you aren’t removed from office (there’s little chance the Senate GOP props will arrest their turbocharged descent into karmic hell) you are beatable by a strong, smart, charismatic Democrat of either gender with a strong, smart, charismatic running mate of either gender. Yes, it would be a real test of Democrats’ woke-ness as to whether women or men would be willing to stick by their oft stated belief that women are as capable leaders as men and actually vote for a team consisting of two women. Under normal circumstances I would say that it would be too much of a stretch for enough people go there, but clearly these are not normal times.

I know the idea of a woman presidential nominee with a woman running mate winning is the stuff of night terrors for you, but honestly, you shouldn’t worry your empty little head about this at all because as soon as you are out of office you’ll be completely preoccupied with a boatload of criminal charges.

May we be safe until you are behind bars.
May we be willing to shake things up.
May we see that a healthy democracy should have no trouble electing women to the presidency.
May you not start a war.

Sincerely,
Tracy Simpson