President* Trump,

Now maybe Katie Shepherd (WP) isn’t relaying the following quote sufficiently and the White House spokesperson didn’t really indicate that a non-sentient entity (i.e., the White House) was being charged with keeping the POTUS, his family, and the WH staff safe, but I’m betting she did the best the could with what she got from you all. Here’s the passage with the quote:

“A White House spokesman responded to Monday’s widespread criticisms, saying the White House is taking “every precaution necessary” to protect the president, his family and staff.”

“Every precaution necessary” – there’s a lot laced into those three words, isn’t there? Especially that handy qualifier “necessary”, right? Who is the arbiter of what is and isn’t necessary to keep everyone in your inner orbit safe?

Notice that the spokesperson didn’t say something like “The President, his family, and the entire White House staff are following COVID-19 guidelines set out by the CDC and the situation is being monitored hourly by White House medical staff.” This is the sort of statement that one would expect to see coming out of a reasonably responsible administration (though a reasonably responsible administration would not have discharged their still quite ill POTUS from the hospital to the WH), but it’s probably not something you all could even come up with as a lie. If nothing else, it would give too much credence to the CDC and it would undermine the all important messaging you want to come of this situation, which is that COVID-19 is no biggie and people should stop with all the drama and get on with their lives (or deaths as the case may well be, you gaslighting menace).

I’m sure you’re eager (not) to know what I think would constitute “every precaution necessary.” Well, it goes quite a bit beyond CDC guidelines and leagues beyond what you all are doing. I think that to address the current WH situation and keep the entire free world safe, someone should inject you or slip you a very long acting sedative that knocks you out cold. They should then assign Dr. Conley to care for (and clean up after) your basic bodily needs until you have had 20 days with no positive tests, which shouldn’t be any sooner than November 4^th. Once that happens, they can slowly bring you out of your medically induced coma and gaslight you about how you’re nuts for thinking that a whole month has passed without your awareness before they break the news to you that you lost the election even though you did a monstrously great job campaigning in the homestretch. It would probably help if they could show you some film of a stunt double doing some campaign related stuff, though they could probably get away with doing a little photo-shopping of existing campaign rally images and save some bucks for your bail bond fund.

I bet if we polled a representative swath of the American people, my plan would get more support than your plan – it gives me shivers imagining how awesome it would be to have you offline for the duration. Sigh.

And then there’s the stinking quid pro quo you’re pulling on the country by quashing the stimulus negotiations and saying nothing will be passed until after you WIN the election. You’re attempting a level of extortion that’s probably unparalleled, promising the biggest, most generous relief package ever IF you get the votes you need. Congrats, this one ranks near the very top of your sick f*ck moves. Your mother would be so proud.

May we be safe from malign actors.
May we be willing to still be horrified by the level of corruption emanating from this White House.
May we have strong stomachs and constitutions as we wade through the crap.
May we accept that the entire GOP needs to go and some other party (or parties) must take its place.

Sincerely,
Tracy Simpson