Gasoline fumes and nuclear codes

Dear President Trump,

Early the other morning I walked by a neighborhood gas station expecting it to be deserted. Instead there were three cars getting gas. I heard an engine running and smelled a lot of exhaust so I scanned the cars to make sure no one was heading towards me. Once I spotted the car with the engine running I did a double take because the driver was pumping gas and smoking. I had a fleeting thought about saying something to him, but decided it was pointless and that going nearer to him wasn’t a good personal safety move.

Last night I got to thinking that this person’s gas pumping practices probably don’t occur in the context of an otherwise law abiding, commonsense-based existence. I bet he also does things like drive drunk, disregard traffic laws, skip flossing, discard lit cigarettes, eat Cheetos, and keep a loaded gun on the coffee table. There are tons more potential flagrant health and safety rule violations that would suit this character, but you get the idea.

Really, I think you get the idea because you live the idea. You’ve taken it to an entirely different level than Smoking Pumper, but you too embody the antisocial drive to do whatever you can get away with. Have you seen CNN’s graphic showing the six different “Trump Entities” that are under investigation? There’s a not very flattering picture of you in the middle and then arrayed around you are “Trump Campaign,” “Trump Transition Team,” “Trump Inaugural Committee,” “Trump Administration,” “Trump Organization,” and “Trump Foundation.” It’s quite a nice touch that there’s a blue brick wall behind you – somebody in the graphic design department gets extra points for subtle, but effective symbolism on that one.

Smoking Pumper didn’t end up blowing up that gas station that time, but chances are his extra-legal activities are going to catch up with him at some point and after his arrest his neighbors will say things like “yeah, he was always picking fights and ripping out of his driveway at full speed without looking.” I was going to say that it’ll be interesting to hear who says what about you once you’re out of office (and hopefully under indictment), but really it’s pretty unlikely that it’ll be anything but disgusting and terrifying that someone with your criminal background could ascend to the presidency. Maybe we’ll learn something and will muster the collective will to put better backstops in place so we don’t repeat this nightmare again. The likes of you and the Smoking Pumpers of the world will always be with us, but we sure as heck need to keep you all away from gasoline fumes and nuclear codes.

May we be safe from stupid (and smart) antisocial people.
May we be happy to have checks in place to keep them out of office.
May we refine the safeguards that protect the health of our democracy.
May you not start a war.

Tracy Simpson

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