President* for a short while longer Trump,

This feels rather like a cheat but it’s just too good to pass up so I’m going to indulge myself. In his “we can finally exhale” WP editorial this morning, Max Boot likens your lame-ass “mad Tweets” claiming victory (seriously dude, get a grip) to the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail who continually insists “’tis but a scratch” as each of his limbs is hacked off. It got a guffaw out of me, for sure. Have you seen the movie? It’s some kind of awesome (and Monty Python’s Life of Brian is also pee-your-pants-funny; our daughter alternates between thanking us and scolding us for starting her off with both movies when she was four but she can recite the plots and some of the lines at nearly 21 so I think we did a good job by her J). Anyway, what the Black Knight reference reminded me of is one of the other totally absurd lines in the Holy Grail, which goes as follows:

“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal-food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”

Of course it’s the “I fart in your general direction” that I pinged on; Laura and I pull it out every once in a while when something absurd warrants the reference. I didn’t remember the rest of the quote but it’s funny and gives the fart part some heft, especially the “your mother was a hamster” bit, so I decided to throw it in as a bonus, just for you.

Obviously farting in your enemies’ general direction isn’t exactly a winning strategy (and actually, it’s kind of, sort of akin to what you’re doing with your “mad Tweets” – and do you get the word choice here? Mad = angry and Mad = crazy – nice word play, Max!). I do, however, think we ought to allow ourselves a bit of silly here so we can retain (or reclaim) a sense of humor as we resist the vestiges of Trumpism. I mean, it’s totally absurd that we need to worry about a movement (surely there’s a better word….) that’s as dumb as dirt and holds it’s oh-so-revelatory press conference on how it’s going to overturn the election results in the parking lot of a random landscaping business. Shit, you all are pissing on your own feet in the dark.

If it weren’t so bad for the American people (and the world) to have the transition stalled out like this, I’d be down for getting the popcorn and watching the drama unfold. I know you won’t get the reference, but if you’d seen the movie, you’d probably fancy yourself to be like the Holy Grail Killer Rabbit, a bunny with the uncanny ability to punch (and chew) well above its weight that succeeds in terrorizing King Arthur and his knights. I highly recommend that scene – it’s over the top and it’s only a little over a minute and a half long. You can imagine yourself as the rabid rabbit that flies from throat to throat and Joe, Kamala, and assorted likely Cabinet members as King Arthur and his crew and delight in scaring them off.  It’ll only be in your stupid fantasies that this happens, but you might as well play it out bigly.

So to tie up this inelegant jumble, you’re the totally out-to-lunch mortally wounded Black Knight and you’re the target of many farts flying in your general direction. Thus, your only hope is to channel your inner killer rabbit and do your damnedest to go for every Democrat’s jugular you can find.

May we be safe from completely out-to-lunch maniacs.
May we also be willing to take short breaks and be silly sometimes.
May we know our intellects are a wee bit stronger than the doofi who mistake landscape businesses for 5-star hotels.
May we accept that Dear Leader is going to drag this drama out to the bitter end.

Sincerely,
Tracy Simpson