Dear President Trump,

I hate to admit it, but you all even got to me a little bit with all the bullshit about how Cohen can’t be trusted because he was caught lying to Congress. I was pretty sure his lies were to protect you, but I wasn’t 100% sure so I did my Google thing and found a couple of old articles showing that yes, indeedy, Cohen was sanctioned for lying about how long into your campaign the Moscow Trump Tower plan was being worked. He f*cking lied for you and now you are yammering about how he can’t be trusted because he lied to Congress – it’s rich and dripping with disgustingly sick irony.

But hey, you’re counting on your Foxy Friends and your base to just zero in on the “lyin’ Cohen” shtick so they’ll dismiss anything else he says under oath. And sadly, your cynical gaslighting approach will probably work for the most part.

Hopefully though, someone will make the above point early in the proceedings today and remind everyone that Cohen lied to Congress previously to protect you and that what he lied about was something you desperately did not want known (and that you lied about) about your business ties with Russia deep into the campaign. It might also be reasonable for some House member to suggest Cohen did so not only to protect you but to protect himself from you since it would actually be shocking if there wasn’t some sort of overt or implied threat if he crossed you. We saw yesterday that this kind of scenario is not at all far fetched when your toady, Matt Gaetz, Tweeted menacing stuff at Cohen in a not at all veiled attempt at witness tampering.

So yes, lying is wrong, but context is important and it’s critical to whether one should trust someone in future instances so I hope, hope, hope they get that key context established right away.

You know, the other awesome irony in all this “lyin’ Cohen” crap of yours is that as of January 21, 2019 (so pretty up to date, really), the WP Fact Check folks have recorded 8,158 false or misleading statements of yours. Plus, they found that your pace ramped up considerably from about 5.9 lies per day, on average, in Year 1 to 16.5 lies per day, on average, in Year 2. Now is that because you were so reinforced by your base for lying in Year 1 that you thought it made sense to more than double your output in Year 2 or is it that as the Mueller investigation started closing in on you, you were getting all the more desperate and were scrambling for cover? Or, quite likely, a combination of the two. Whatever it is that drives your incessant lying, you, of all people, have zero credibility when it comes to calling someone else out as a liar. In fact, your claims that Cohen is a liar could be added to your misleading statements tally. Aargh. I hope he fries your shorts today.

May we be safe from lying losers like you.
May we be happy to put you behind bars where you belong.
May we stay steady and measured through the maelstrom.
May you not start a war this afternoon.

Sincerely,
Tracy Simpson