Donald,

I know there are a gillion and a half very serious, pressing concerns right now, including the terrifyingly high rates of Covid-19 deaths each day and questions about which GOPP* Congress people aided and abetted the insurrectionists (i.e., committed treason), but I’m going to focus on something much more mundane today – the White House occupant switch-a-roo.

Laura mentioned last night that movers have been spotted outside the WH (see this quite in-depth story about it from CNN) and we got a little hysterical imagining the Bidens going through each room with burning sage and replacing every upholstered thing in the place. We wondered aloud just how much sage would be needed and whether all the carpets would be pulled.

Well, according to that CNN article, it does sound like a whole bunch of carpets will be pulled – to the tune of around $159,000:

“2021 Presidential Inauguration and Transition Carpet Replacement and Installation to correct the current floor condition of selected interior floors for various offices,” within the East Wing, West Wing and Executive Office Building.”

Are those current floor conditions the result of typical wear and tear? Maybe, but it totally gives me the creeps to think what else might occasion such an effort and expense, especially after the revelations about what your insurrectionist supporters left behind in the Capitol.

When we were contemplating what it would be like for the Bidens to have to live in the same space as you all, we didn’t consider the very real threat that Covid poses and the fact that so incredibly many people in your White House orbit had (or have) the virus. Apparently the stated major impetus for the unusually thorough cleaning/replacing/refurbishing plan this time around is to address Covid, which totally makes sense. Honestly though, I think there’s a huge additional bonus here in such a deep clean – it will rid the place of every bit of Trump DNA and bronzer and give them a fresh space where they won’t have to push past the cringe instinct every time they sit down on something.

That said, I’ll be sure to send President Biden some pointers on psychic energy cleansing rituals just in case he needs them (ha! How could he not?). Googling the phrase “space cleansing rituals” yields lots of helpful information including that one should walk the burning sage around each room in a clockwise direction and that small amounts of salt left in the corners will absorb negative energy. Being a devout Catholic, Biden may want to bring in a priest to exorcise the demons and hopefully someone on his staff will think to ask healers from other traditions to do their demon exorcising rituals to make sure all the bases are covered. One can’t be too careful when it comes to purging all things Trump.

While writing that last sentence it occurred to me that a tremendous positive of this “Deep Covid Clean” is that they should be able to find any listening devices or bugs that someone might just have “accidentally” left behind – gives new meaning to delousing, doesn’t it? You who so loudly, persistently, and bogusly claimed that Obama bugged your pre-POTUS offices rather presaged (J) that little idea, now didn’t you? Pretty much everything you accuse others of are things you’ve either done, plan to do, or wish to hell you could pull off so all this accusing constitutes one of your biggest tells.

I know they probably would say they have it covered, but if I lived in the DC area, I would want to volunteer to be part of the cleaning crew. We can’t cleanse the country of your stink with a bit of Murphy’s Oil, but damn would it feel good to scrub the bathrooms for the Bidens and flush every last vestige of you and yours down the drains.

May we be safe from lingering negative energies.
May we be willing to clean, repair, refurbish, and/or re-imagine absolutely everything.
May we stay strong over the long haul because this requires way more than a literal cleanse.
May we, however, accept the feelings of satisfaction in doing some strategic carpet pulling.

Sincerely,
Tracy Simpson
*GOPP = Grand Old Pathetic Party